To Whom It May Concern

On my flight back to Seattle at 6 a.m. this morning, I fought sleep and instead managed to put my pen to paper. A revival of the lost art of the letter writing.

Dearest Starbucks,

The fact that you were unable to toast my blueberry bagel this morning was unacceptable. I’d go so far as to say that I will punish you by discontinuing my patronage of your establishment, but we both know that would be an untruth. Please don’t take this criticism personally, but I also credit you for creating my codependency on caffeine and things that cost $4.

Respectfully yours,

Andrea

P.S. I encountered no problems with the bagel itself.

P.P.S. Ok it was delicious.

Dearest Alaska Airlines,

I’d like to express my gratitude for the complimentary in-flight wi-fi this morning. Though at first I considered you an enabler for a web-surfing, blog-reading, People.com-obsessed junkie like myself, I did manage to spare 6 minutes for actual work during those two hours in the air. Any indiscretions in that work will be forwarded to your kind staff, since I think we both know that I should not be enabled, nor allowed to use computers at 5 o’clock in the morning.

I’d also urge you to reassess your snack mix. More bagel crisps, less pretzel sticks.

With gratitude,

Andrea

Dearest Las Vegas Nevada,

For all intents and purposes, you are a swill hole. That being said, I like swill holes. And surely others respect your status. I imagine you top the charts on per capita consumption of hair gel, thongs, and merchandise existing in the neon color palette.

As I was flying over your city this morning in a state of delirium, it occurred to me that you quite resemble the Sim City I frequently erected in my youth. Similar to your design, I saw more need (as a junior professional architect) to situate amusement parks centrally than I did for police and fire stations. Along those same lines, both your city and mine shared newspaper headlines of crime and prostitution. I dare say: Law enforcement can be such a downer.

Nevertheless, thank you for welcoming me with such warmth, both literally and figuratively. While I declined many a scantily-clad invitation, I do appreciate you thinking of me.

Warm regards,

Andrea

Dear Dannon,

Light & Fit is for the birds.

Sincerely,

Andrea

Comments

  1. says

    Cute post!

    For iced coffees, I may be saying ‘buh-bye’ to S-bux and going to Peets instead because their Medium nonfat 2 pump Vanilla Iced Latte is waaay better than the S-bux version 😉

  2. says

    LOVED each and every one of them…and your picture killed me. I so want to shut my eyes right now, but I fear I will fall head first in my second cup o joe (oops, but it’s decaf)

    thanks for the case of the sillies first thing this morning!
    xoxoxo
    and glad you had fun!

  3. says

    Kudos to you. I want to eat the cream cheese frosting, pop tarts and more. Unfortunately, I have gained a massive amount of weight since the wedding (under 20, I swear, but more than enough). You are my last hope. Help me design a nutrition and exercise plan so I may be as beautiful as you. Toni

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