To Whom It May Concern

by Andie Mitchell on July 11, 2010

On my flight back to Seattle at 6 a.m. this morning, I fought sleep and instead managed to put my pen to paper. A revival of the lost art of the letter writing.

Dearest Starbucks,

The fact that you were unable to toast my blueberry bagel this morning was unacceptable. I’d go so far as to say that I will punish you by discontinuing my patronage of your establishment, but we both know that would be an untruth. Please don’t take this criticism personally, but I also credit you for creating my codependency on caffeine and things that cost $4.

Respectfully yours,

Andrea

P.S. I encountered no problems with the bagel itself.

P.P.S. Ok it was delicious.

Dearest Alaska Airlines,

I’d like to express my gratitude for the complimentary in-flight wi-fi this morning. Though at first I considered you an enabler for a web-surfing, blog-reading, People.com-obsessed junkie like myself, I did manage to spare 6 minutes for actual work during those two hours in the air. Any indiscretions in that work will be forwarded to your kind staff, since I think we both know that I should not be enabled, nor allowed to use computers at 5 o’clock in the morning.

I’d also urge you to reassess your snack mix. More bagel crisps, less pretzel sticks.

With gratitude,

Andrea

Dearest Las Vegas Nevada,

For all intents and purposes, you are a swill hole. That being said, I like swill holes. And surely others respect your status. I imagine you top the charts on per capita consumption of hair gel, thongs, and merchandise existing in the neon color palette.

As I was flying over your city this morning in a state of delirium, it occurred to me that you quite resemble the Sim City I frequently erected in my youth. Similar to your design, I saw more need (as a junior professional architect) to situate amusement parks centrally than I did for police and fire stations. Along those same lines, both your city and mine shared newspaper headlines of crime and prostitution. I dare say: Law enforcement can be such a downer.

Nevertheless, thank you for welcoming me with such warmth, both literally and figuratively. While I declined many a scantily-clad invitation, I do appreciate you thinking of me.

Warm regards,

Andrea

Dear Dannon,

Light & Fit is for the birds.

Sincerely,

Andrea

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

peggyhogan July 11, 2010 at 4:13 pm

clever format. I like it!

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M.J. Jacobsen July 11, 2010 at 4:36 pm

HA HA!!!

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homecookedem July 11, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Hahaha!! And I totally agree, Dannon! For the birds!!!!! ;)

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Brittany July 11, 2010 at 5:42 pm

LOL! Love it!

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kenzie (Healthy Purpose) July 11, 2010 at 7:48 pm

LOL! I used to play Sims too—like I was addicted. too funny. damn starbucks. they might fail you a bagel, but their coffee always impresses.

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Shanna, like Banana July 11, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Cute post!

For iced coffees, I may be saying ‘buh-bye’ to S-bux and going to Peets instead because their Medium nonfat 2 pump Vanilla Iced Latte is waaay better than the S-bux version ;)

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Can You Stay for Dinner July 11, 2010 at 9:44 pm

Ooo, good to know about Peet’s!! I’m checking it out!

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lisaou11 July 11, 2010 at 10:26 pm
greensandjeans July 11, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Got to agree with the Peet’s comment! They are the way to go!

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Anna July 12, 2010 at 1:31 am

absolutely love this

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Sophie @ yumventures July 12, 2010 at 7:06 am

Its 8 am and you already have me laughing up a storm. Wonderful post!

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foodiefresh July 12, 2010 at 9:03 am

So funny! I love a good business letter. Btw- are you on Twitter?

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Can You Stay for Dinner July 12, 2010 at 9:04 am

Yes! @StayForDinner. Are you??

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Anne Marie@New Weigh of Life July 12, 2010 at 9:20 am

Too funny!

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Cindy July 12, 2010 at 9:36 am

LOVED each and every one of them…and your picture killed me. I so want to shut my eyes right now, but I fear I will fall head first in my second cup o joe (oops, but it’s decaf)

thanks for the case of the sillies first thing this morning!
xoxoxo
and glad you had fun!

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Kelly July 12, 2010 at 10:00 am

Cute! Very cute!

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Toni Peduto August 13, 2010 at 9:04 am

Kudos to you. I want to eat the cream cheese frosting, pop tarts and more. Unfortunately, I have gained a massive amount of weight since the wedding (under 20, I swear, but more than enough). You are my last hope. Help me design a nutrition and exercise plan so I may be as beautiful as you. Toni

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chanel February 18, 2012 at 11:50 pm

LOLLLLL

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