I have standards.

by Andie Mitchell on May 4, 2011

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I’m currently penning a contract with my future apartment. I’ve realized I’m paying too much where I live now, even though I love it and feel like a queen, and so, I shall move.

Future apartment hasn’t read this contract yet, but I’m making my requirements mandatory. I have standards.

(Very few, but still).

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Since you’re my closest (read: only) friends, I thought you could help me look it over. Tell me how this sounds:

Obligations of Rental Property Number 3,458,082

Said property, the fourth in one, Andie Mitchell’s, [brazen] career attempts, shall hereby consent to and fulfill the following guidelines:

  1. Property shall be expansive enough in square footage to ensure that occupant is able to do no less than 3 (three) grapevines followed by 6 (six) jazz squares in continuum.

  2. Property shall have no less than 1 (one) window per room. Each window’s size shall be, as future occupant articulates, “big as sh&%.”

  3. Kitchen in future property will include:

    1. 1 (one) dish washer

    2. 1 (one) refrigerator with accompanying freezer unit

    3. 1 (one) microwave

    4. 8 (eight) cabinets

    5. 4 (four) drawers

    6. 1 (one) center island

    7. 8 (eight) bars of chocolate

    8. 1 (one) person to clean it

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  1. Bathroom in future rental space shall not contain tile nor grout that must be cleaned bi-monthly with a toothbrush so as not to look, as future occupant describes, “dingy as sh&%.”

  2. Bedroom in future rental space shall fit comfortably 1 (one) queen sized bed, 1 (one) bed frame, and no less than 5 (five) extra firm pillows.

  3. Rental space shall include no less than 3 (three) closets, which future occupant agrees to ensure are, “organized as sh&%.”

  4. Rental space shall not have carpeting.

Sub-obligation in compliance with obligation 7 (seven) of rental agreement: If rental space does indeed possess carpeting, future occupant is granted the right to never vacuum because of her condition, which has been disclosed by future occupant as, “lazy as sh&%.”

  1. Rental space shall be dog (canine)- friendly.

        Addendum: Future occupant does not currently own a canine, but reserves the right to stare and speak at length with canines residing within the building of rental space. Future occupant further reserves the right to “kiss their wet little noses” at her discretion, regardless of the canine owner’s personal limits of comfort.

  2. Rental space shall accept that future occupant will french fry potatoes on no less than 3 (three) occasions per week. It shall further be understood that future occupant will subsequently capture no less than 29 (twenty nine) photographs of said french fried potatoes.

10. Rental space shall not judge.

Tell me if I’m missing something. I’m open to your ideas.

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Frieda May 5, 2011 at 1:02 am

:D good luck

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stephanie May 5, 2011 at 1:03 am
Halley May 5, 2011 at 1:08 am

Awesome! I wish I had included the right to ‘kiss their little wet noses’ in my rental agreement.

Cleaning in between tiles is sh&%ty

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MelissaNibbles May 5, 2011 at 2:24 am

I see you’re missing a samuari sword wielding roommate. That is an essential in a rental property.

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Johnny May 5, 2011 at 2:27 am

(shakes his head with a huge grin!) :)

Those french fries and coke look VERY inviting!

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Cait @ Beyond Bananas May 5, 2011 at 2:42 am

hahah .. what if there were 9 cabinets.. is that okay? lazy susans.. to me.. they count as 2 cabinets. they are rather large.. would that be okay if there were 7 plus that?

i love your list!

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Lauren at Keep It Sweet May 5, 2011 at 3:59 am

That sounds kind of perfect to me!

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chelsey @ clean eating chelsey May 5, 2011 at 4:18 am

My neighbors think I’m crazy. I stand on the top of my picnic table to get too pictures while they are outside BBQ’ing with their family. Keep staring people.. keep staring.

Good luck with the apartment hunt!

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Angela @ Eat Spin Run Repeat May 5, 2011 at 5:05 am

Sounds like a good list to me! The kitchen cleaner and dishwasher are a must, as is the walk in closet. Maybe you should also add a walk-through pantry (to also be kept, as future occupant describes, “organized as sh*&t”?) ;)

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Kristie May 5, 2011 at 5:29 am

Sounds like a pretty perfect set of standards to me. Hope it works out!

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Clarissa @ Sober and the City May 5, 2011 at 6:29 am

Good luck with the search! I hope Daniel gets some space in there :)

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Caitlin May 5, 2011 at 6:33 am

You forgot to add that said windows should face both the east AND the west so that you have optimum light for photographing 40 shots of said french fries three times a week (and cake, gyros and other treats the other four.)

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Beth @ Beth's Journey May 5, 2011 at 7:40 am

haha you crack me up.

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Cindy May 5, 2011 at 7:42 am

what is it about a salty crispy french fry that makes me smile?

or makes me addicted…or makes me nuts?

Rental shall NOT judge indeed my sweet!!!!

and yes, NO carpeting. sliding around in socks is too much damn fun. Ask my family!

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Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy May 5, 2011 at 7:44 am

You are hilarious as sh&*^$.
Let’s be best %&*#$ friends.

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NanaBread May 5, 2011 at 8:01 am

Is it really right or really wrong that I not only know what grapevines and jazz squares are, but I’m mentally dancing that sequence to judge the size of said space? Also, you forgot to put in there that all neighbors of said future residence shall be “quiet as $#it” when future resident is exercising her right to beauty rest. Other than that, I think your post of “funny as $#it” and I now want french fries. Good ones.

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Robin May 5, 2011 at 11:02 am

I don’t know but I did the exact same thing. I want a living room that big!!

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Jo @ Jo In the Kitchen May 5, 2011 at 8:05 am

That sounds about right to me!
:D

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Shanna, Like Banana May 5, 2011 at 8:59 am

Oh my goodness this is too too funny!

Apartment shall have at least 1 walk in closet that has holds the capability of stacking on less than 100 shoeboxes around it’s circumfrence.

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Gina May 5, 2011 at 9:02 am

Rental property shall include rooftop deck for future occupant to soak up every last bit of sunshine Seattle is willing to offer.

Rental property shall be within walking distance to no less than 3 local coffee shops, 5 neighboorhood food establishments and 1 large green park.

Love #10, ha!

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JaNelle May 5, 2011 at 9:41 am

Literally LOL … you should add someone to fold laundry.. I hate doing that!

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Leah @ Why Deprive? May 5, 2011 at 10:31 am

hahaha I love it!! You’re hilarious.

Oh – and I agree fully with all of it.

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Melissa May 5, 2011 at 10:37 am

hm? Did you say something? I smell french fries… *wanders off*

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ASuburbanLife May 5, 2011 at 11:40 am

I love this post, funny as sh&%!

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Online Sunshine May 5, 2011 at 11:52 am

Shower must have enough water pressure!!!
Neighbors must be quiet when you’re sleeping!
And neighbors must NOT knock on door asking for whatever it is that the smelled outside or through the walls!

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Alexa @ Simple Eats May 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I think this sounds awesome! I know it’s definitely nerve-wracking picking out a new apartment!

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Andrea@WellnessNotes May 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Good luck finding a new apartment that meets your standards! You made me smile! :)

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rae May 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

good luck with the apartment! please have your cleaning person visit my house after he/she’s done w/ yours…and have him/her bring some of those french fries too while he/she’s at it.

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Ashley C. May 5, 2011 at 3:17 pm

As a law student about to take a 5 (FIVE) hour property exam worth 100% (ONE HUNDRED PERCENT) of my grade for the semester, I fully intend to use your “adjective as sh&%” standard on the landlord/tenant portion of my exam! :-)

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Kerry May 5, 2011 at 4:00 pm

French fries are my WEAKNESS. And coke is my favorite soda. I pretty much want to live in your photographs. Which would be kind of awkward, given that it would mean living in your house, but I’m actually a really great roommate. The whole “I have a house and a husband” doesn’t really matter, right?

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Lu @ A Mix of it All May 5, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I’m giving my husband the list as my new stipulations for him living here.

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iscribbler May 5, 2011 at 6:30 pm

This is hilarious! We’re thinking about the same thing, but we’ll be staying at least another year and see how things go. Good luck with the hunt. :)

Personally, I’ll be aiming for a washer and dryer. I’m tired of using the apartment’s facilities. And all those precious quarters!

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LizAshlee May 5, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Hey there! I discovered your blog earlier this week and I think I am in LOVE! You are too cute! You’re funny! You make delicious food and take Gorgeous photos…can we be friends? :)

Seriously, I love your blog! SO talented!! I made falafel burgers with tahini sauce tonight for dinner based on your recipe. Dinner was outstanding! Thanks for inspiring a DELICIOUS meal that was super simple!

I just started blogging at lizashlee.com and I am SUPER happy to be sharing my passion for food and fitness…would love for you to check it out and let me know what you think? :)

Have a great night!

Liz

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Honey @ Honey, WHat's Cooking May 5, 2011 at 9:18 pm

hi.. what about washer and dryer? it’s a pain for me to go out, so I make sure I have one in the apt i’m renting.
central heat/ac? this results in cheaper bills than paying electric.
that’s all i can think of. I’m gonna link to you soon, i’m fixing up my site. i loveeeeeeeeeeee your blog.
:-)

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M.J. Jacobsen May 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Let us know how this works for you!! :)

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