What I miss from 135lbs ago…Part 2

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I don’t miss the way heat felt suffocating. The way temperatures teasing 70 threatened me. And my hair.

I don’t miss the caramel creams I bit into when I realized my dad was never going to get, or be, better. I don’t miss dropping them at the sound of his scream. Picking each one up before we rushed to the hospital.

I don’t miss the Lucky Charms and the Corn Pops and the Honeycomb that helped me with my homework. They never filled in the answers like I’d begged them to.

I don’t miss wondering if invisibility would be a more comfortable state. There are no places to live there.

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I don’t miss the way my legs chafed, the way shorts rode up until I discreetly tugged them down.

I don’t miss the way my legs fell asleep if I dared sit cross-legged on the floor.

I don’t miss feeling like a wallflower.

I don’t miss watching people move, and act, and sing, and dance and wishing, oh wishing, I felt that free.

I don’t miss sealing my hopes and dreams into an envelope and mailing it to the future. I never knew how to get there. Or why it never came.

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I don’t miss thinking, “Someday they’ll see. I’m better than they know. One day…”

I don’t miss my stomach calling my brain to tell her I’d eaten enough and I just couldn’t (couldn’t!) eat another bite. She never answered.

I don’t miss the staring.

I don’t miss loading a gun with ‘fat’ and ‘pig’ and ‘whale’ and handing it to others to pull the trigger. They never heard mercy.

I don’t miss the excuses and the regrets and the feeling like I’d wasted precious years.

I don’t miss the tears.

I don’t miss dreading, oh dreading, any occasion with dresses, or dressing up, or dressing, really. Certainly not the prom gowns. Not the girdles. Not the high heels that made my feet appear four sizes smaller than my frame. The panty hose.

I don’t miss thinking that size 16, 18, and 20 would fit differently, more acceptingly, in different stores.

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I don’t miss waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Then waiting some more.

For life to begin.

Because she was hanging out all along.

And when I found her sitting quietly, off to the side, just waiting on me to begin her

I had missed her.

Comments

    • sheri says

      CONGRATS on your weight loss.You look amazing. I have lost 89 lbs since last july using myfitnesspal.com. I want to lose 11 more. But maintenance scares me and I can so relate to your writings. I think everyone that has been overweight has had these same feelings. thanks for sharing

    • says

      Love it! I’m 51 pounds into my journey of losing 156 pounds. I can relate to everything you’ve said here and it continues to motivate and encourage me to keep chugging along at changing my life for the better.

      • Monica Gray says

        Hi my name is Monica and 103 days ago I started to diet and work out. I started at 250lbs, 5’6 and 27 years old. I am now down 32lbs and have about 50 more lbs to go. But I am so much happier now. I feel great and I am motivated to keep going. I am so happy to hear your story! It lets me know there is light at the end of this tunnel.

    • Rita says

      You are such an inspiration. I started at 270.6 lbs. and have lost 58 lbs since October. I just realized I was eating like my old self again and set myself straight and started messuring everything again. No gains, so I hope to get back on, and loose more. I need to be 135 lbs lighter which is 1/2 my weight as well. Thanks for your recipes and your story.

      • says

        I am starting my journey to freedom. I have been searching for people who have a lot to lose (wow isn’t that phrase really loaded). I can’t handle one more skinny person talking about how they’ve lost 20 lbs and gained control of their life back. I truly wonder if they have ANY idea what lack of control really is. I encourage any of your readers who are currently on their own journey to join me. We can encourage one another as we use your tips and recipes to help us along the way. Thank you for sharing your life with us! They can join me @ http://241journey.wordpress.com/.

  1. says

    I get that. It’s like you’re holding your breath waiting for life to happen.

    Also the feeling of chaffing thighs is the worst.

  2. Lisa in OKC says

    Your part 1 is my today, and I hope my tomorrow will look a little like your Part 2. How brilliant to break it down like this. So much of what you’re missing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy b/c those are things I love and enjoy today. Sadly, Part 2 is such a painful reminder of what my life is also like today. I hope this sad feeling lingers long enough for me to really do this once and for all, because I don’t want to waste anymore time waiting for me to show up for my own life.
    Thank you again for being so honest and vulnerable. Your journey has blessed so many beyond measure.

    And BTW – you rock that denim shirt so much better than Jay! :)

    • says

      I’m currently reading a book called, “Body Clutter”. Check it out, if you haven’t already. It’s changing my life. :)

  3. Ashley says

    Thanks for reminding me why I lost weight and why, even though I have gained some back, I should not give up and keep gaining. I must fight back against my food addiction. Going back to where I was is no life. :)

  4. says

    I just want to let you know how beautiful I think your writing is. It’s so raw and personal – you can tell that you put all of your soul into your posts. I imagine that it probably took a lot of courage to write Parts 1 & 2 of this story, so thank you for doing it!

  5. Elena @ gaga for grapefruit says

    It makes my stomach hurt because you are able to say all the things I feel. The emotions I try to ignore, but can’t. I spend do much time hiding, and a simple, beautifully written post like this makes me take a good look at myself and face the facts, as scary as they may be. Thanks A. I cannot begin to tell you what these posts mean to me. Xoxox

  6. Johnny says

    I’m crying..oh what an emotional sap. What courage! Oh how I wish I could just reach out and hug you right now! We feel our weight and know it isn’t right, normal, healthy…but then we’re reminded by sometimes well meaning friends and family that it doesn’t look like we care about ourselves. How could we go out in public like that!

    I’m as narrow as anyone, you look soo much more sexy and beutiful thinner. I just wish that the beuty inside didn’t have to wait around for the body to catch up!

    Andi, thanks so much for this blog, sometimes the emotions I feel are uncomfortable but I ALWAYS come away feeling like I’m experiencing the right things and you give me HOPE even in my older age!!! :)

  7. says

    Wow. This seriously choked me up. I am so inspired that you just poured your heart out in this two part series… It seems like you felt like a prisonor in your own body – and I am SO happy you were able to break free from that! You are AWESOME!

  8. says

    You are so, SO right Andie! The part of this post that resonated with me the most was about waiting for life to happen. I think it applies to anything in life – as “they” say, “If you always do what you always did, you’ll keep getting what you always got”. YOU made the change, and I think you’ve grown in to such a wonderful, mature, gorgeous young lady (who also happens to rock a denim top like nobody’s business). :)

  9. Ana Maria says

    I really think you’ve always been so, so beautiful, but you’re truer to yourself now. That’s a loveliness of its own.

  10. says

    I can really relate to waiting for your life to happen. It’s amazing how things change when you make them change. Sometimes I think about the little changes I need to make in my life and what a big impact they would have if only I could act on them. You made big changes–life changes–and stuck with them. I admire you so much. That’s what brave is.

  11. says

    part 2 is just as good as part 1, so I have no idea what to expect in part 3.

    it’s incredible how, even though this is specific to yourself 135 lbs ago, some of the same thoughts and feelings apply to so many other things people are going through.

  12. AnnaRose says

    This 2 part blog really touched me!

    While my struggle with my weight isn’t to the same extreme as yours was, I have come to realize it doesn’t matter the amount of lbs you need to lose…it’s the mind that you have the most struggle with! I only have about 40 lbs to lose…but each lbs seems to be falling of painfully slow.

    When will I ever just be able to say no to a food?

  13. Barefootcookingirl says

    It’s all so true! You say it so well!

    I don’t miss being at my husband’s Christmas party and having one of the employees walk up to you and say loudly “it’s great you’re expecting, why didn’t “Bob” tell us the good news? When is the baby due?” and you’re not even pregnant….oh, the tears….I still well up when I think of that evening and I still remember what I was wearing (I thought I looked really nice, silly me), and what HE was wearing, and what the bathroom I dashed into looked like and how the rest of the evening seemed to take forever to be over with…..

  14. cally says

    You are so gorgeous and have such an extaordinary talent! I started reading your blog for the recipes, but I continue reading it because your writing is so wonderful- it truly shows your witty personality and amazing heart! (by the way, I agree with another reader.. you rock that denim shirt!)

  15. Stacy says

    You just reminded me of all the things I currently dislike about my body. I had been noticing and immediately ignoring (or trying to, anyway). I’ve just decided I’ve been obese long enough and I deserve better.
    thanks – you are the kick in the pants I needed.

  16. says

    Like I said in a tweet yesterday, I am SO glad I found your blog! The light bulb finally came on for me and I’m making changes and I’m working on them to rid my life of many the feelings you stated above. I just posted about the first week of my journey so far and I’m feeling good already and better about myself—if I think about it too long I cry and reading your story has brought tears to my eyes also. Those tears relate a lot to your story and tears that give me hope reading your story and how you blasted your way through the struggle and came out the other side as you have–inspiration!

  17. says

    Although all I lost is 30 pounds, I can relate to every word of this.
    Being overweight is so hard – you constantly feel like you’re on display, and like everyone is judging. Its heartbreaking, but at the same time I feel like it helps build character, and compassion. Had I not gained (and then lost) the weight, I dont know that I would have the same amount of compassion for others that I do now.

  18. Erin Melikidse says

    Wow! You look great, sexy when you lost the weight and adorable child like with the weight. Your post is wonderful. I went out and got 3 Geneen Roth books and have all most finished 2. Thank you again. If your goal is to help others it has worked.

  19. says

    Not too long ago (like a week!) I was still telling myself that I can be a yoga teacher once I lose 20 lbs and look more like a yoga teacher! This story I created in my head was telling me that in order to be a great teacher, I had to be a THIN teacher…because students wouldn’t want to come to my class because I was that overweight instructor…and no one wants an overweight person leading them through a yoga practice…which is supposed to be about mindfullness and healthy living…and on and on…! I was totally spiraling my thoughts out of control and convincing myself that, yet again, I was “not good enough.”

    Well, last night, I taught a very small hour-long class as part of my training and it was great! None of those thoughts ever came into my head. I was there, present for my students and not thinking about myself or my body. I was in service to them, and it felt so great to be there leading them! After last night, I want to teach more than ever:)

  20. says

    I love this. My eating issues were the other way – the anorexic starving myself way. I am still on the small side, but I don’t miss weighing myself every day. I don’t miss hating myself for not being 106.0 when I was 107.4 bls. I don’t miss avoiding drinking water so as not to gain “water weight.” I don’t miss any of the crazy things I used to do to be light as a feather and still function as a normal human being. Today I’m probably closer to 110 than 120, but being somewhere in the middle is just fine.

    And although I’m eating raw now to get rid of my headaches and health issues for the time being, I loved feeling free to eat whatever I wanted, within reason. And that I could have two pieces of pizza instead of a bite of one. Getting to your “happy weight” is such an eye opener of what the past could have been. But I think we are who we are today because of all that we’ve been through. Our pain someday turns into experience that we can help others with!

  21. says

    I just found your blog through a recommendation on Twitter, and I want to commend you for writing this. I think what you’ve done is absolutely amazing, and you’re a wonderful inspiration to me. I can also relate so much – I lost about 50 lbs over the course of two years in high school, and it was for all the same reasons. I was eating emotionally, stuck in that cycle of hating myself, and eating to make those feelings go away. It was terrible, and it really took knocking off the “diet” concept to kick me in gear.

    I do have one question for you, though – do you still struggle with your self-image? Obviously you look amazing, but I’ve found that even at my thinnest, which is perfectly healthy, and I’m able to keep it consistent, though I have a few vanity pounds – I still always feel like the fat person in the room. It’s really tough for me to knock that voice out of my head, and I don’t know how to successfully get rid of it even after all these years.

    • Katie P says

      I struggle with that same thing. I lost over a hundred pounds and have been at a healthy normal wight for three years now. And still I look in the mirror at times and see the a heavy girl staring back. I am working to remind myself that I am a worthy person no matter my size and what I see in the mirror is not a true reflection of the the person I am .

  22. says

    Thank-you for sharing. I can relate to so, so much of this. I feel like I’m still waiting. I must explore around here and seek out some extra motivation. Thank-you for that.
    PS You have gorgeous eyes. Simply gorgeous.

  23. says

    Oh, how I love your posts. Just as I’m sitting here, contemplating some desk-drawer-snacks, your post pops up in my Reader. And I realize that I’m only craving snacks because I’m bored and discontent and because this dress is plain making me uncomfortable. Thank you for reminding me that snacks will never cure those things ♥

  24. Leah says

    These entries almost made me cry, and I probably would have had I not been at work.

    I don’t even know what it feels like to have to lose 135 pounds, but your words are so powerful it makes me want to cry out of happiness and sadness for you. Happiness because of what you’ve overcome and sadness because you had to go through it.

    I think this is the first time I’ve seen the before pictures. You were gorgeous then! You’re stunning now.

    You show me that everything happens for a reason and someday it will all work out in the end.

    Don’t stop blogging 😉

  25. says

    Thank you once again for putting it out there. It’s like you’re writing from inside my head. Although I’m not on the other side of it yet. All those “I don’t miss”es are where I am now. Thank you for sharing this.

  26. says

    Your posts are so refreshing… thank you for being so honest, these can’t have been easy to write.

    Oh, and take back your megaphone from whoever borrowed it on twitter!

  27. says

    I am only 4 weeks into my weight loss journey and still have about 100 pounds to lose, so I’m nowhere near knowing what I’ll miss/not miss when I get there. However, even now I find it easier to list the things I don’t miss rather than the things I do miss. That “don’t miss” list is so much longer.

  28. says

    My eyes swell with tears as I read this. You have a gift with putting into words… the intimate thoughts that I try to keep only for myself…with my own unique struggles within. You are truly someone that is just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. I hope I may evolve to be more like you someday…thank you for sharing yourself with us.

  29. says

    Oh Dear Sweet Canyoustay,
    You are amazing. “The person who loses their life shall find it.” Such a paradoxical thought from the ancient scripture, but I think your life is a beautiful example of that Divine Thread… I hope you know my days are better because of your inspiration.

  30. Silvara says

    You know…every word rang true for me in this post. While I don’t have 135Lbs to lose – I don’t think it’s the number itself that matters but the feeling of being BIG/FAT and out of place.

    The waiting…oh the waiting…it’s so true. I feel like I live in an invisible bubble around me that’s stopping me from living life and doing everything. I physically FEEL it sometimes and wonder what’s holding me back??

    I almost feel like I float through life in an almost out-of-body type way…like it’s me but not. Does that even make sense?

  31. says

    Even after I lost weight I still never found “her”. I’m still looking. I find pieces here and there. It takes a long time. Thank you for sharing with us.

  32. says

    Through a number of serendipitous side steps, Stumble Upon brought me to your blog today. I was chasing after the recipe for petite lasagna, but found the link to “What I miss from 135 pounds ago.” I am 62, and have been mired at your starting place for 20 years. I HAVE to loose weight for health reasons, but I want to embrace this change for all the reasons you so eloquently state. I want to return to a life where dressing up is not a daunting thought, to where I can walk uphill without panting, and to be able to work in my gardens in warm weather without worrying about fainting. Your courageous comments make me believe that I can do this, as you did. Thank you, so much, for having posted your private thoughts. I’ll be a frequent reader!

  33. Kalee says

    FINALLY! I’ve searched your blog over and over to find fat pictures. and there were NONE. I can’t even begin to describe how annoyyyyyyyyyyyying you sound because all you write it about losing weight. There’s really only so much to say. But the most annyoing part of it was, there wasn’t any proof that you actually was fat. Until now.

    thank god. i still don’t read your blog because it’s so.. i don’t know.

    but your recipes are wonderful. and that’s all that matters in a food blog.

    • admin says

      Kalee, I completely respect your view of my writing. But I have to say, you’ve really hurt my feelings.

      -Andie

      • Colleen says

        Your writing is honest, witty, brave & every word is music to my ears. I loved seeing “fat pictures” as well -because it makes it real, and because I’m nosy (and because it was so hard to imagine you heavy, after seeing pictures of you now)
        I have compassion for Kalee, because I know what it is like to be terrified of facing the self loathing, shame, and essentially self hate. Sometimes it’s hard to look at the other side when you don’t want to have to cross the river to get there…

    • Kathy Palen says

      Wow… uncalled for comment. Of course she writes about her experiences with losing weight! But it’s not the ONLY thing she writes about. She has come forward with feelings most of us keep inside. Perhaps you could’ve spared hurt feelings and just posted a positive. No reason for negative posts like that. Andie – some people aren’t worth the hurt feelings. Keep that in mind and keep posting for the rest of us!

  34. jess says

    I have no respect for her view of your writing.

    I just found this blog through a fellow blogger, and it is heaven- sent. Hope, honesty, and really good recipes. :) I hope you realize that you were beautiful before the weight loss, too.

    xx
    Jess

  35. says

    Your writing is beautiful–as you are. Sincere, honest, even brutal (to yourself).
    For you to share your journey is nothing short of amazing.
    I’m new to your blog and have not been able to stop reading.

    Well done!

    XOXOXOXOXO
    –Shelley

  36. Katey says

    I just found this blog. I shed a few tears because I feel your pain, I know it’s like to experience everything you blogged about. In fact, I just recommitted to Weight Watchers, for like the ump teenth time. But I feel different this time. I want to walk down the aisle on my wedding day fit and fabulous. I will never be skinny, it’s not in my genes, but I can lose weight. I will lose weight. It’s not about the size of the jeans I wear, just that I look good, feel good and am healthy. Thank you! You know have a new fan!

  37. says

    Thank you so much for posting this. I don’t have 135lbs to lose. Still 30-40lbs feels like it won’t ever happen. I have started eating healthy and exercising and something always comes along that makes me stop exercising for a few weeks or I decide to eat whatever I want because it tastes so good. I don’t care how great the food tastes anymore, I want to change my habits. I want to be healthy.

  38. says

    Andie,
    Your story is so incredible and absolutely inspiring! Your were a beautiful girl then and a beautiful girl now. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. I only have about 25 pounds to lose (post baby weight) and I HATE going to the gym! It’s nice to hear that you don’t feel like a prisoner of the gym anymore and that maintaining a healthy weight IS possible without doing something you hate. Thank you for you inspiration!

  39. julie lipp says

    …. as you know from your own past experiences – you have to walk away from the negatives (ex kalee) the world around us is full of people like her and they serve no purpose but to spread misery, because they too are miserable. i hope you don’t let her hurt your feelings for too long… life is too grand to let such a thing happen. you have come so far and most of that is a result of overcoming ‘negatives’. we can choose to wallow in them or use them as spring boards :)
    stay on that SPRING BOARD and share your HIGH!
    stay true – stay purposeful – stay beautiful <3

  40. Jennifer Patel says

    Thank you. You’re so much like me, but you woke up from the stupor about 18 years before I did so GOOD FOR YOU! I’m down 70 lbs, I’ve got another 25 to go. I *am* exercising (found reformer pilates and now call myself the pilates evangelist!), but refuse to “diet”. Diets are for thin people losing baby weight. Diets aren’t for girls like us that have *always* been heavy. We’ve got to change our life, the way we eat, the way we cope. Thanks for sharing!!

  41. says

    I wasn’t sure what I was reading at first when I found your page through pinterest.com. I started reading. From picture 1, I already can tell you that I thought you were beautiful. As I kept going, I couldn’t help but to feel the pain. The final picture, well, almost made me cry I was so amazed and happy for you! You make me want to get back to where I was. I am three years into college. I was a year-round athlete. Now, I eat the same but rarely find the time to work out. It’s killing me inside. I almost weigh as much as my 6′ tall boyfriend, if not more now. I’m now incredibly inspired. Thank you so much!

  42. abby says

    WOW! You were and are SO pretty. I want to add something so it doesn’t seem like a shallow comment just about looks, but whatevs! Feel good about yourself girl because you are HOT

  43. says

    *hug*

    (I had to leave at least one – I wanted to leave a thousand in case you needed them later but may just have to pop in and leave one every once in a while to avoid being creepy *small smile*)

    I cried hun (I’m old and a Mom so I figure that’s ok n’ stuff)

    I really (and you may not believe this but it’s true) thought you were beautiful in ALL of the pictures you shared with us…NOT just the ones where you were/are lighter in weight.

    For your health – I am happy that you (physically) feel better now.

    What I want is for you to feel good inside – then…then I will be 100% pleased for you because I think you deserve all that and more.

    Be well,
    R. M. L.

  44. Barb says

    You mean the “missing” is not going to go away?!!!! I think that’s what I’ve been expecting…the missing of all those things that you list to go away, and every time when they haven’t I’ve thought I was failing again, so I quit – again.
    This time I’m going to stick with it! and move more! Thank you Andie. I think you’re wonderful!

  45. says

    You have inspired me….to change my journey. To change my mind and to THINK about food…think about my body…think about finding peace with myself and what I eat. It wasn’t until I had gone through your blog the past few days that I felt that defensiveness about being fat, that resignation-to-be-unhealthy/fat-forever start to drop away. My goals are to be healthy, learn to eat intuitively/consciously, and to love traveling in this body that I have. I LOVE how you validate who you have always been as that is what I want to do…I have always been overweight as well and I want that to change…but I want to recognize myself as someone who is still “me” with or without the weight. And to maybe realize, like you, the blessings that are a result of my life (and my size?) thus far.

    Anyway, I didn’t mean to leave a long post but I just wanted to thank you for writing and inspiring and being really amazing.

    Love,

    Katie, in Portland.

  46. dominique says

    wow!! what an inspiration you are! you are beautiful and look amazing! i’m proud of you and i don’t even know you…

  47. Janice says

    I just found your site via a recipe and LOVE your site! I love the inspiration for “healthy” but YUMMY food you are providing with a wonderful kick of fun reading! And the inspiration to lose my 40lbs that are nagging me is fantastic! Thank you for your site! Keep posting!

  48. Debi says

    I just stumbled upon your site, although I don’t believe it was an accident. I’m 49 and need to lose about 125 pounds to be healthy and move without hurting. We seem to share a very similar background, but I’m still stuck. How do I make myself believe that I’m worth it and deserve it?

  49. says

    My friend introduced me to you blog and I LOVE IT! You are an inspiration and I love the way you write. I started my weight loss journey at 220 lbs. I’ve lost 22 and have 58 lbs to go. I was feeling frustrated and defeated today, but your story has me excited to keep going. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

  50. Laurie says

    You know my thoughts and feelings. I sit here at age 47 waiting for my life to begin. I starting my relationship with food at the age of 5 when my mother left us with my dad. Everything you have written here are thoughts and feeling that are within me. I have 100 pounds to lose and need the courage to begin again.

  51. Gaby says

    You almost made my cried, to read all the feeling I have right now. Starting to work on in to enjoy again what it was to get into a store and pick what ever I wanted and like myself in the mirror.

  52. Missy says

    Wow, I can SOOOO relate!!! I’ve lost 125 pounds over the last year and a half through calorie tracking and working out. I could stand to lose ten more, but I’m in no rush with it. My starting weight was 267, although I am only 5’2″. Your blog articulates what I feel so clearly, I’ve never been able to find words to describe what losing this amount of weight is like. I remember wanting to be able to move freely and easily, now that I can everyday feels like floating, it’s still surreal! Our stories are so similar, it’s like reading about myself. I hope this blog can help people to start living, because I know when I was at my heaviest and suppressing my emotions with food, I wasn’t truly living…

  53. Gina says

    You have given me more inspiration to keep going on this crazy weight loss journey I’ve been on. I’m down about 85 lbs from my highest weight of 260 and I’ve been doubting if I could lose any more since my body has never been so small. Then I saw your pictures and I realized, I can do this! Thanks!

  54. Debbie says

    Let me tell you girls that you’d better get skinny while you’re young because when you get older it’s almost impossible to lose weight and you gain it even easier when your metabolism slows down. I weighed 120 at 30, 130 at 40, 140 at 50 and 150 at age sixty. I eat less and exercise more with each passing year. That thing about gaining 10 pounds a decade is mostly true, so lose it now! I am still a size 10, but it’s more work than it’s ever been.

  55. says

    I am just astonished at this post. I am still in amazement. I hope that one day I will be able to look back and say things I don’t miss.

  56. Kate says

    Thank you for writing this. You brought me to tears, realizing, almost everything you said I am feeling this way about myself right now. You are such an inspiration to me and im sure to so many others.

  57. Asia says

    I’m happy you lost the weight, and that you feel better now. But, (here is comes) you should work on loving yourself for who you are. Your body type shouldn’t have THAT great of an effect on your opinion of yourself. And lastly, doesn’t anyone else think she looks too thin? Have a cookie girl, you need at least 15 more pounds to be within normal BMI.

  58. Ryan says

    I would love you before you lost weight, you were so beautiful then. My heart breaks knowing you felt the need to lose so much weight. You may still be gorgeous, but honest to God, not nearly as beautiful as you were before. I hope you’re healthy, and well, because from a third party it doesn’t look like it.

  59. Shay says

    Sorry, but at least you looked happy in your other pictures. In that last picture, you look truly unhappy and very very thin. I read your writing and it IS beautiful, but there’s just no joy in your final picture. Looking at your pic makes me think you have an eating disorder. It’s likely not true, but you are TOO thin. You shouldn’t have to look like a model in a magazine to look or feel beautiful. You’re beautiful in the other pics, but that last pic makes you look sick. Feel free to delete this, but I just feel it needs to be said. We shouldn’t be encouraging girls to look sickly thin.

    • says

      Hi Shay,

      I appreciate you writing and I respect your honesty. I see what you mean, looking at that picture now- I do look too thin. I’m about 7-10 lbs heavier now- happily full.
      andie

  60. says

    Oh my freak! I was so shocked when I saw that final photo! That’s incredible! I’m on a weight loss journey myself, maybe not such a long one, but it’s really inspiring to see a real person reaching their goal.

    Thanks for an amazing post.

  61. Summer Curtis says

    You are so inspiring. I am 60 pounds over weight and began working out a month ago. I lost 15 pounds right away. The four days my husband was home for Christmas I spent SHOVELING food in my mouth and relishing that I didnt have to exercise. Today is Tuesday and my husband is back to work. I sat down on my bedroom floor where I usually work out and decided to give up… for today. I just couldnt find the will power… especially since I already messed up and ate a cookie at lunch. Then I saw myself giving up tomorrow… and the next day and then looking back a year from now remembering how hard I tried for a whole month to lose weight. I’m glad I read this. I’m not going to let that happen now. I am truly inspired. Thank you.

  62. heidi says

    I’m sitting here in tears because you were where I am today and I lack the courage to change and my life has passed me by…maybe just one day at a time…

  63. Bri says

    I don’t miss thinking, “Someday they’ll see. I’m better than they know. One day…”

    this made me cry because its how I feel. I gaiend 50 lbs in 2 years..and i had 30 off and gained back ten falling off the wagon. I am in my first week back and you have no idea how much of a reminder this blog is. I may not be at my goal yet but already I feel better. halfway to my goal and I feel 100% better. Its easy to forget that during the binge cravings and the temptation. Thank you

  64. Shay says

    Wow my friend just showed me your blog… i honestly teared up reading this… you look amazing.. i only hope i can look as good as you someday. I keep feeling like i will never lose this 50-60 lbs.. and that it will be with me forever.. you are inspirational. If i can read what youve done everyday then i have a glimmer of hope i can achieve my weightloss goal too.

  65. emily says

    i just teared up reading this because this is exactly how i feel. like life isnt going to start until i lose the weight. but something is holding me back. the hard work, the feeling that nothing will work. you really have inspired me.

  66. says

    wow. That post really tugged at my heart. I know that battle and about the feelings that go with it and get shoved down by trying to eat it away. Thank you for posting this.

  67. Babs says

    I am just getting to know your blog and learn a little about you – and I am hoping that I can continue reading while on a break without tears coming to my eyes – or I may have to wait and finish reading you at home.
    The things that you don’t miss – are things that, one day, I hope not to miss as well. Thanks :)

  68. Mary says

    omg. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes because I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve been struggling to lose weight and have lost 40 lbs. It’s getting harder and harder and I’ve almost lost the momentum to keep it up. It’s a lot easier to eat and try to fill that empty hole than to think about the empty marriage, the financial struggles or the every day struggles that feel like they weigh you down in their own right.

  69. Dori says

    You have said every thought that I have ever had about being overweight. Eloquently, as well. Thank you for your blogs. I am in the middle of losing weight…and I shouldn’t be obsessed with a number, but I am. I am not eating as much, and not as healthy, either, but that shall change as well. I think on of the hardest things to overcome, especially as women, is to be at peace with food and our bodies, and to have the discipline to maintain all this, with a positive attitude.

  70. says

    I happened to come across your blog. I love the way you write and your story is incredible! You are such an inspiration and the vulnerability you give to your readers is so freeing! Thank you.

    jen

  71. Amanda says

    Hi there! For one, I agree with what everyone else says: you are a wonderful writer and you look amazing! Also, you are definitely an inspiration and I feel like I can relate.
    In January, I came back for my last semester at school and found out that I was about 239 pounds. Like you, I’ve spent my entire life overweight and feeling the same way you’ve described.
    I decided to change how I was living and started dieting by gradually reducing my daily calorie intake and exercising. I follow the Lose It! system with my Nook Tablet.
    Now, it is March and I’ve lost 22 pounds. I’m still working on it, but obviously it is not a fast process. Your blog is serving as inspiration for me and I hope to continue making progress even on the toughest of days. Thanks!

  72. Becca says

    What an incredible post. Reading that literally brought tears to my eyes. I completely identify with every sentence. I’m currently working on losing 80 pounds (I’m around 10 in) and everything you said was so true and so relate-able. You’ve put into words what I have been experiencing and thinking my entire life. Thank you so much for sharing.

  73. Heather M says

    Love.this. I am still dreaming of my Part 2 list. You have said so much of what I feel now. Congrats on such an amazing accomplishment. You look amazing!

  74. Mermaid says

    You sweetie, are amazing. This made me cry because it spoke so much truth to my life that I felt liek I was the only one who could understand, but never put into words. You did that. And I thank you…

    I was a chunky kid all my life, who struggled with weight. I stuffed pizza, ramen noodles, and chinese food in my mouth to cover up the pain from my dad’s passing and my mother and stepfather’s dysfunctional, alcoholic relationship. It was a drug. It made me feel warm and cozy, at least until bathing suit season arrived…then I felt ashamed and wanted to crawl into a hole.

    I lost it all in college. Being forced to walk everywhere on campus (no parking!) and having a bangin’ $3.5 million gym, and living off lean cuisines made it possible.

    Now’s it’s all back again, x3…instead of weighing 145 and having to lose 15 pounds, I’m at a staggering 189 pounds, trying to make it back to 135 at age 27.

    You might as well ask me to move Mt. Everest. I want to think I can do it. I want to believe in myself. It’s difficult, but hopefully this site and your bloggers will make it better.

    Thanks to you, I just turned down an offer to eat Chinese food (my old enemy). I’ll go eat the lunch I packed for myself last night.

    Small victories. THANK YOU!!! 😀

  75. Trace says

    “I don’t miss the caramel creams I bit into when I realized my dad was never going to get, or be, better. I don’t miss dropping them at the sound of his scream. Picking each one up before we rushed to the hospital”

    This breaks my heart, b/c I don’t miss my daily Bacon & Cream Cheese on a Bagel. The last time I had one was around 9am on Jan 23, 2009..10 minutes later world crashed down when my husband showed up to my office to pick me b/c my Dad had just passed. I said Goodbye to my Dad weighting 252lbs, I still have a long way to go to my goal, but I wish he could see me at 180lbs.

    I am so happy I stumbled upon your blog, congratulations on your accomplishments!!

  76. cori says

    You wrote everything I want to say. Its funny how we can think we are the only one in the world that goes through the tough everyday life of living healthy, and being mindful of everything we eat. Thanks for the reminders that were not alone, look at all these beautiful people that have come so far. im so proud of you and I dont even know you lol. Im 80 lbs down and it really is worth it. Youre an inspiration, You made my day.
    Thank you girl.

  77. Heidi Muller says

    I’m just starting my journey. Everything you just said here is what I’ve been feeling my whole life. When will my life begin? I’m 25 years old and I don’t think it’ll ever start. I feel so horrible about myself, I don’t know how it can get better. I just hope it does.

  78. Tiara says

    I am in tears! This is like reading my entire life. THANK YOU for inspiring me to keep moving forward.

  79. Michelle says

    Thank you for your blog, it really is a motivation to see how far you’ve come. I begin my weightloss journey today. I am the same size as when you started, I turn 30 on Sunday, and have health problems noone my age should deal with. I hope one day my success story will be as great as yours :) and there’s nothing but me getting in my way!

  80. Donna says

    You are a beautiful young lady and your story is inspiring to me at age 50! Thank you for sharing.

  81. Joanna says

    Wow that made me cry. Your pain , struggle and Transformation is so powerful , your story has moved me so much , you are truly an inspiration to us all.Not just in the weight loss department ……In the HOPES and DREAMS and being a positive person department. You are SO beautiful and Lovely for sharing your life and your DELICIOUS recipes with us , I feel indebted to you. THANK YOU!!!!
    I will continue to drool over your recipes and attempt to make them in my own kitchen , nourishing my husband , son and daughter and Feeling inspired and positive.

  82. Martha says

    You are an amazingly expressive writer, and I cannot tell you how inspirational this blog post has been for me! It totally resonates with me. LOVE the bit about loading the gun, and the hopes and dreams sealed in an envelope mailed to the future… AMAZING! Thank you so much for this blog.

  83. Felisha Noble says

    Thank you. You made me cry and gave me the courage to continue with losing this shell. Everything you don’t miss is what I am right now and I now know that I don’t have to be this way. Again thank you

  84. Pamela says

    Bless you! You have so beautifully and honestly revealed the reality of being overweight. We are all beautiful and amazing human beings, however sometimes we become invisible, because we don’t feel we measure up to society’s expectations. You are lovely. I am so happy for your success and happiness. And thank you for the encouragement you give to others. The reality is that it is unhealthy, and terribly uncomfortable (both physically and emotionally) to carry extra pounds. I hope your message will reach millions. You are a true inspiration!

  85. Thel says

    Just started reading your blog!! I love you!! You have been listening into my thoughts!! Seriously, I’ve lost over 70 pounds after the age of 40. I was obese as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and as a not so young adult. Oh those scars last for so long. I’m still not at peace with my food…I still watch it every day. I’ve started weight training and eating cleaner, but is this another phase in the Body Impossible…I don’t know. But I’m glad to find someone who writes about how I feel!! You go!! and Thank You!!

  86. DeeDee says

    Thank you – for your honesty, for your bravery in sharing the deepest parts of your heart and struggles. Your generosity to perfect strangers…is beautiful. Your writing ability is a gift. Reading about your experiences and relationship with food/over eating was a mirror image to me and how I see my life. Thank you for giving me the confidence and the hope that just because it’s the way it is currently for me, doesn’t mean it has to be the way it will always be…I see that in your success. It’s a gift you have and thank you for sharing it with me (us). I’m thankful to have found you on Pinterest.

  87. Judith says

    Just a suggestion – put a link to part 3 at the end of part 2. It would flow better than making the reader go back to 1 for the link. Loved the read!

  88. Judy says

    Wow, I feel like I’m ‘looking’ in a mirror. Looking in from this side and my exact thoughts escaping the other side. Although I’ve lost the bulk of my poundage, I still feel a portion of those thoughts each day. I wonder if they will ever go away or I will ever feel good enough. The journey never ends. Thank you.

  89. Stephanie says

    I just read as much as I could possibly read on your blog. First, I want to say, you’ve always been beautiful. I hope you know that. Second, I can relate to everything you’ve written.

    My weight hit 201 this January, and that was it. I’d had enough. That was the last straw. At that point, I was recently engaged, and I couldn’t imagine planning my wedding feeling like everyone was staring at me because I was a whale, not because I was the bride. I’ve tried to lose weight before, but finally the scale informed me it was time to do it for real… I’ve been struggling with it since January, but I’m finally on the right track. Calorie counting and exercising like crazy. I’m hoping to be under 150 by Christmas and at my goal of 125 early next year.

    Enough about me. I just want to say, you’re a beautiful person, an amazing writer, and I can’t thank you enough for your words. They brought me to tears because I feel so similar to how you used to feel. Congratulations on your accomplishments! You’re an inspiration.

  90. Michelle says

    Hello! I’m loving what you wrote on this blog – so much portrays what I’ve been thinking and experiencing. I’ve struggled with weight all my life and now at age 31 I’m being told I’ll have a heart attack before 40, a definite likelihood of gestational diabetes if I ever want children (already am pre-diabetic), and am basically turning out to be my parents who are both diabetic, have heart disease and one is on dialysis. Will definitely read through the rest of your blog!

  91. Danielle says

    Hi…I’ve stumbled upon your blog via a Pinterest entry. I’m tearing up right because I can relate to these feelings. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been in my life..Only I know the feeling of being small. I went from too small to just right at 115-120 (I’m 5’5”) To exploding during pregnancy and never losing it. Breaking the 200s is extremely rough for me….You’re a big inspiration, I’m going to try again.

  92. Jodie Paine says

    Found you on Pinterest (which I am addicted too). Thank you for sharing. I have been on “another” weight loss journey. Back at Weight Watchers – which really works! Every time I leave, thinking I can do it on my own, I come back months or years later all plumped up again. Even though I am in my mid 60’s I still want to look good and be healthy. So far I have lost 16 pounds in 8 weeks. It really does “hurt” to be over weight. It hurts my back and it hurts my spirit. Being “fat” makes you feel like “less” of a person. Your story made me laugh and cry. I will be following you, enjoying your recipes and applauding you for helping those of us who are lucky enough to have found you.

  93. Elaine Morinelli says

    And on top of everything, were WERE beautiful then, and i can’t believe people called you “whale.”

  94. Sherrie says

    Your were beautiful before and beautiful now. More because you shared your soul. I lost that much and have regained a lot of weight and now have been struggling with it again. I was looking for a recipe and found it on your page…I have read abouslty everything about weight loss and nothing has motivated ne more than this. A beautiful woman half my age did that for me. Thank you

  95. Sarah says

    Somewhere along google searching for what this mysterious “1200 calorie diet” actually looked like and trying to fathom whether or not I could adjust my Foodie ways to incorporate it into my daily life – I ran across your page.

    To say it inspired me would be an understatement. I’m not afraid to say it brought me to tears reading all the things you ‘didn’t miss’ because those are things I currently hate acknowledging about myself. It is a beautiful thing to hear about someone else’s’ success story who had been in my position.

    1200 calories seems more like common sense now. And I’m going to make it happen. Thank you.

    -your new fan.

  96. Jacqui.S. says

    I definitely relate to this. I constantly feel as though I am not living my life. As though I’ve wasted the past 13 years of my life being overweight. Especially the last 4. I’m 22 and I sometimes think, “Wow, I never thought I’d be 22 and STILL fat.” Two years ago I thought I had finally started overcoming my battle with weight. I had finally learned to control my cravings for sweets and carbs and was thinner than I had ever been. I thought, I will never be THAT be again. And here I am, 2 years later starting from scratch wondering how I am back here. I have never given up on getting thinner. It is constantly in the forefront of my mind. But there are times when I have felt that no one cares about me, so why should I? And that is when the weight started piling back on. So here I am now thinking -I- care and it has to change. And now that I’ve found your blog I feel encouraged and inspired. It CAN be done. I just have to love myself enough to do it. To not waste anymore years of my life feeling this way.

  97. Donna says

    I am so blessed to have found this site! You are such an inspiration to so many.

    I have lost 70 pounds I think 8 times now and regained it. I am on Weight Watchers again, so thank you for reminding me “one day at a time,” and also writing how I feel carrying this weight, uncomfortable in my own skin.

    You look absolutely amazing! You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your amazing story as an inspiration to others.

  98. Jae says

    You are such an inspiration! I feel every word of this, every day. The hard thing for me… I haven’t always been this size. Two years ago I got really sick and my whole body changed. I gained 60 lbs fast and haven’t been able to she’d them. Just today I started another pitty pary for myself. I hope I can follow in your tracks and use your success as inspiration and motivation. Thank you for sharing your story!

  99. Bekah says

    wow, I literally am in the exact same situation.I weigh the exact same amount that you did before your weight loss and i want to lose half of my body weight! I havent lost any. Well durign the summer i lost about 30 but then i gained it back. You have given me soo much inspiration to start/keep going in my journey. I feel very blessed and privleged to have read this. Now i know that it is possible. I am 18 years old and this is not the life i want to live. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

  100. Sam says

    Wow you are incredibly stunning and strong. While I’m not trying to lose 135lbs, these 20 are still pretty difficult. Its so good to know that I don’t have to crash diet or starve myself to reach my goal. Thank you for the inspiration. I looking forward to my new healthy lifestyle. :)

  101. Christina says

    I am just beginning my fight to lose at least 100 lbs & I want you to know you’ll be one of my greatest inspirations. This posting LITERALLY made me cry. Nearly everything you said you don’t miss is my world right now, but I know I won’t miss those things either. :)

  102. Michelle says

    Thank you so much for sharing! I am there right now, I am the girl who can’t hardly sit in the floor to play with her kids. I am the one who turns to food for comfort. I am beginning my journey to being healthy and happy with who I am. I am weighing in at 277 lbs right now, but I will never weigh 278! Today is the day I am making the change! You have been truly an inspiration to me and many many others. Your life has blessed mine. Thanks you.

  103. Tamara says

    Come to Thailand and be my coach!:) You need to write a book because you are one of the most inspiring ladies I have NEVER met! I seriously have not stopped thinking about you and your journey since I discovered your blog this morning…thank you, thank you, thank you.

  104. marie says

    i have never read something that relates so much to my life. to the thoughts that consume 99% of my days. i strive to one day find what you did and be able to change it. congratulations!

  105. says

    I am starting my journey to freedom. Your story has encouraged me. I have been searching for people who have a lot to lose (wow isn’t that phrase really loaded). I can’t handle one more skinny person talking about how they’ve lost 20 lbs and gained control of their life back. I truly wonder if they have ANY idea what lack of control really is. I encourage any of your readers who are currently on their own journey to join me. We can encourage one another as we use your tips and recipes to help us along the way. Thank you for sharing your life with us! They can join me @ http://241journey.wordpress.com/.

  106. KATE says

    YOUR BLOG IS INSPIRING BUT IT IS HARD WHEN ALL YOU WANT IS COMFORT AND YOU FIND IT IN FOOD AND WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU CRY THEN GO COMFORT YOURSELF WITH FOOD AGAIN:(

  107. says

    Hi Andie! I read your entire story days before my breakthrough, and the words you said were certianly crucial in my internal transformation. I’ve “gotten fed up” with being heavey about 4 billion times, but something was different this time.

    And this time, in 2.5 months I’ve lost 33 lbs.

    I would LOVE if you would happen by my blog. I JUST started it, so there is much ground to cover, but I know because of you that our words and thoughts and struggles have value to others, even if they never say so. There will be a lot in the weeks to come, and I would be honored to share my story with you since yours touched me so.

    Thanks for your candor and vulnerability.

    whatsweighingonme.blogspot.com

  108. Tony says

    You have a deep, beautiful, wonderful soul. I hope that the world can embrace it now the way that it should have all along. Thanks for sharing, and I know that other women will be inspired to follow in your footsteps

  109. Marion says

    I’ve only just started reading your blog. Thank you for your honesty. I’ve also only just started my blog, which isn’t going too well. I hope it will help me to lose weight and motivate others to do the same, as your blog has done. Thanks for the inspiration and motivation. Enjoy your new bod!

  110. Brittany says

    Wow! You are truly inspiring. I’ve been trying to lose weight for quite awhile and while reading I noticed that I had made every promise to myself that you had written in the second part of your article. Congratulations on everything! I only hope that I can do as well as you have :)

  111. says

    Wow, I have never seen such deep writing about weight loss in my life. Believe me I have read a lot of weight loss blogs. You are so honest, deep, and touching. Your blog is just what I need in my life right now. I lost a little over 100 lbs a couple years ago through calorie counting and learning how to exercise. I feel I lost the weight in a healthy way but still kept putting off my happiness until I was the “perfect” size. Even After got to my goal of losing 100 lbs I felt as if I was not happy so what would make me happy? I told myself it would be losing more weight. It was’t until recently when my dad died that I came out of denial of how deep I was suppressing my emotions. Right now I am going to therapy, al-anon, and writing as much as possible. I’m trying to find happiness and love myself. It’s hard because I keep seeking happiness outside myself. I feel vulnerable in a lot of ways without the food to cope. It’s hard. Hopefully through honesty and self reflection I will take responsibility for my life and learn to love myself.

  112. says

    Your story is my story. Except my story is just beginning. In fact, my story begins just four days ago (because that was the day that I visited my doctor for a ‘wellness’ check) I knew before I arrived that I was not well. I may not be ‘well’ for a bit longer – but I am heading in the right direction.

  113. Jessica says

    Tears literally poured down my face reading all of these because I can relate exactly. Thank you for being an inspiration to thousands of people out there, including me.

  114. goitseluvv says

    hi…your story is so amazing and inspiring. I have been trying to lose weight for the longest time now but i started going to gym last year and I have seen great results. my intention was to at least lose 15 kg , so far I have lost 10 kg and I have hit a plateau. I stay in Botswana (Africa), its very difficult to get a variety of fruits and vegetables but other than that they are usually very expensive compared to fast foods. trying to lose weight on a very tight budget is extremely challenging. anyway thank you for sharing your story and congrats….

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